In the last year or so of my life, I have given away almost every part of me, like an emotional yard sale where everything could be haggled away. I have lost my focus, my heart, my drive, my pride, my voice, my self respect, my sanity. I have done things of which I’m not proud and said things I can’t take back and stayed silent when I should have spoken.

I have let things influence me that shouldn’t. I have accepted a reality I don’t want. I have looked to others to make me feel better about myself, make me whole, when I should have done that myself. I’ve become hard and judgmental, mean and selfish. I have gotten by on crutches. At times, I have let events in my life be the excuses for not being a decent person.

I’ve shuttered hope out of my life because putting your faith in something only to lose it yet again has been too painful of a concept to endure. I have let fear run my life. I’ve run away when I should have run forward. I’ve been a coward. This isn’t self-loathing. This is acknowledgment. The difference is vast.

I have to acknowledge that depression is some real fucking shit and I’m no less strong if I have to actually get professional help to pull away from it because, right now, I’m not strong enough. It’s a massive, dark, cluttered room and I’m fumbling around trying to find the switch and it’s not working. The room just keeps expanding outward.

I want to be fierce. I want to be kind. I want to be strong. I wanted to be respected. I want to lean in, instead of away. I’ve done a good job faking this. So much so that I’ve believed my own bullshit.

So now it’s time to move about my life, as bravely as I can, and try and find those pieces. They’re out there. I’m out there. I’m just a little battered and bruised is all but I won’t find anything in that dark room. I’m the only one that can make this go away and I can say that without that judgmental asshole in the back of my head telling me it’s hokey, cliche, psychobabble bullshit. I have to forgive myself and I have to let go of this wallowing and merciless version of me. I’m better than her. She’s outstayed her welcome.