I’m not looking to find an excuse to do anything anymore. Some things need no more justification than you want to do it. Not everything, but a good number. Those things you don’t think about. You just do it.

This summer I jumped off a perfectly good, non-burning 22’ high bridge into the 42 degree water of the White Salmon River near the Washington/Oregon border for no other reason than I wanted to. Our rafting guide pulled off to the side of the river and asked if we wanted to get out and jump. My 13-year-old daughter was with me and I looked at her and saw her smile and I knew she wasn’t thinking about her answer. Her answer was yes. My answer was yes.

At the top of the bridge, my daughter didn’t even bat an eye or give it a second thought. How free she was in that moment, how devoid of fear. She has that kind of spirit. I can’t remember if I was ever like that but I admire the hell out of her for it. She just looked at me and smiled and said, “I guess this answers the question of if everyone was jumping off I bridge would I do it, too!” Then she laughed and jumped. She just jumped.

Jumping off that bridge was frightening, like the first time you do anything and you have no notion of what it will be like or how it will feel but you can’t stand another minute not knowing. So I jumped. That fall seemed to take forever and that water hit me hard. It was cold and it tasted so pure. And I felt awake and alive and I knew I’d do it again given any chance and I knew, in that moment, that I had a lot more bridges off which I needed to jump.

I just booked my second vacation of the year today. I had to stop thinking about doing it and actually do it. I’m not trying to escape anything, I’m not trying to find anything, I’m not trying to heal anything. I just want to live. I want to feel like I did in that river.

There are just some things that you feel compelled to do whether you can really explain them or not. But here’s the thing: I don’t have to explain them. Not to anyone but me. This is called living your life on your own accord.

So in April, I’m heading to beautiful Savannah, Georgia to wander the squares, sit in the sun, drink Chatham Artillery Punch, eat amazing food and listen to some of my favorite musicians play all weekend long because I want to go and I have one chance to say yes to this. I’m going by myself because I’m not using being alone as an excuse to not go. That fear of going alone has no place in my life.

I’m coming to terms with the fact that alone was a hard choice I made. One that warranted so much painful deliberation and was the most gut wrenching. How do you look someone in the eye and tell them you just don’t want to be with them for the rest of your life, even though you promised you would and you tried and just can’t do it anymore? That over them, you are choosing that big, fat alone? That hard, ugly alone that keeps you from doing things and keeps you stopped in your tracks.

I’m not passing up the chance to jump off this bridge. I’m just jumping.